someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
