You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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