Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
