cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
