Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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