Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
