I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Im part way to drunk.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
