Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
