I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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