for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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