dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
