Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
