It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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