omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
