I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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