i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
