Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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