I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize