Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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