she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
