I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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