We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
