I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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