On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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