Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
