Soap is not a condiment
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
