If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
