guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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