currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
