Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
