just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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