Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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