is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
