My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
