Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
