should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
