Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
