Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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