i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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