well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
