You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize