i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
