The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
