Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
