Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
