Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
