Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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