i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
