Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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