I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
