I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
