I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
