Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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