i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
