My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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