It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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