kristin has been a bad kristin
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize