Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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