I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
its liver damage thursday
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize