My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
