Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
