I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
