From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
