remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
